Recently left high office and don’t know what to do? Our columnist relays some wise counsel from an anonymous source.
[First published in The Sunday Star on 1 July 2007 under the title "A bit of advice, Mr. Blair..."]
Dear Mr Blair,
On behalf of the people of Malaysia – or at least all the people of Malaysia who live in my villa – I would like to offer my warmest and most sincere best wishes on the occasion of your stepping down as the dynamic Prime Minister of your multi-cultural developing nation, and my heartiest and most convincing congratulations on your having peacefully handed over the reins of power to your handpicked successor, that quiet, serious fellow whose name escapes me.
Yours was an astonishing tenure which saw Britain transformed from a sleepy provincial backwater where hungry, uneducated rural folk galloped for hours across the barren countryside, hunting foxes for their evening meal, into a thriving 21st century economy open to the world, or at least those portions of the world who own Bentleys and whose names end with “-ovsky” or “-ovich”.
The reforms you introduced were laudable.
All lovers of democracy who live in my villa applauded when you took steps in 1999 to curtail the powers of the House of Lords; no longer should that motley collection of so-called noblemen – those jumped-up village chieftains – abuse their privileges, questioning the decisions that you made, obstructing your legislation!
You were democratically elected, so people shouldn’t be allowed to question your decisions: that would be interfering with democracy. All intelligent people understand this.
But you triumphed over these detractors. If I may say so, you truly deserve the title “Father of Modern Britain”, and the fact that no one has actually used it should not prevent your staff from quietly letting people know that this is how you would like to be known.
Now that you are no longer the premier of your harmonious, IT-savvy country, you may be wondering how best to occupy your time. Permit an old-timer to offer you some advice.
To begin with, it was frankly rather silly of you to accept this Middle East envoy job. Don’t you realise that it will require you to work, and to produce results?
With great power comes great responsibility, or so say that type of people who would be better off, in my humble opinion, in preventive detention. But as I see it, that means that with no power, comes no responsibility. So rather than doing anything constructive, it would be far better to sit on the sidelines and issue caustic statements from time to time, preferably after attending an unrelated wedding or a conference where you can condemn something else, so that you can get in two condemnations in one afternoon.
If you get really bored, you could set up a sort of personal Commission or a Tribunal to indict someone, just for the fun of it. You can have plenary sessions and hearings, and then go for a nice lunch.
(I myself don’t eat very much, but the intellectuals like it. They can have their nice lunch and then go back to their kennels.)
But really, Mr Blair, what you should be concentrating on is the man who has succeeded you, whatever his name is, Mr Grey or Mr Beige or whatever.
He may look kind and perhaps even a little boring – he certainly has not the charisma and the oratorical splendour that moves your female ministers to tears when you announce your departure – but you would do well to keep an eye on him, because he has a mind of his own, and in a cohesive, interwoven society such as yours, with its elaborate links of patronage and favouritism, that can be a dangerous thing.
What if, for example, he starts to back-pedal on your country’s commitment to the most mega of your projects – the Iraq war? What if he begins to withdraw British troops, reversing your policies, and undermining your vision?
You’d better start rehearsing your response. Key phrases should include “selling our sovereignty”, “a country without guts”, “traitor”, and “son-in-law”.
Of course, this Mr Beige – or Mr Mocha or whatever his wretched name is – might not even have a son-in-law, but that shouldn’t stop you. In my country we believe that if you say something with enough venom, it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true.
If direct attacks fail because your quiet, serious little successor maintains a dignified silence, you can always try anonymous poison-pen letters. Or so they tell me – I don’t really know. But you must take care to camouflage them so that no one can guess who you are. Remember to choose a snappy but impenetrable pseudonym to sign off with.
Good luck, Mr Blair, and enjoy your retirement!
Kind regards,
A Recent Retiree
Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Nobody Knows Anything: The Umnologists
During the Cold War, Western analysts of Soviet politics found it extraordinarily difficult to track the career trajectories of Communist Party leaders. Who was on his way up? Who was on his way out? With no free press in the USSR, and an immense state security apparatus capable of sophisticated disinformation campaigns, there was no straightforward way to read the shifts in power within the Politburo.
Instead, the Kremlinologists – as the Soviet-watchers were called – had to rely on analysing group photographs of the Politburo in the reviewing stands at the annual May Day military parades.
In the way that you can assess your importance as a guest at a Chinese wedding banquet by seeing how close you’re seated to the main table, Kremlinologists came to all sorts of conclusions about the Soviet government based on where the leaders were standing in relation to the General Secretary of the Communist Party.
Was Andropov closer to Brezhnev this year or farther away? Where were Shevardnadze and Gromyko? Were they on the rise or in disgrace?
The Soviets, of course, were hardly ignorant of the fact that this type of feverish analysis was going on, and they began to play games, releasing doctored photographs of the event, and in all likelihood deliberately assigning important people to stand in unimportant corners to confuse observers.
The net result was that, among Kremlinologists, the old Hollywood maxim applied: Nobody knows anything.
In Malaysia today, trying to understand the goings-on within Umno, if you are not an Umno member of some stature, is fraught with similar difficulties. From the outside, nothing is as it seems.
Would-be Umnologists have to contend with a hugely compromised flow of information: “leaks” designed only to distract; both rumour campaigns of great subtlety and ham-fisted slanders; staunch denials meant to be believed and staunch denials meant to be seen through; poison-pen letters by the hundreds and conspiracy theories by the dozens.
About five years ago I gave up trying to be an Umnologist, after a conversation with a distant relative who was at the time some kind of up-and-comer in the party.
(In the end, I don’t think he upped-and-came. He either downed-and-went or is still sort of hovering. I don’t know him very well, so I don’t inquire too closely. He’s the half-brother of my second cousin. No, I’m not making this up.)
At some family gathering in 2003 he said to me, with a total lack of irony, “You know, nobody likes Pak Lah at all, except for the Umno members and the Malaysian public.”
I stared at him in confusion. “Isn’t that… er, everybody?”
“No, no, no. You don’t understand. They’re nobody. They don’t count. In Umno, what counts are the division leaders, not the… grassroots.” He said this last word with the same delicate disgust with which ordinary Malaysians say politician. “If it were up to the division leaders, Najib would be taking over from Dr. M.”
(I should state for the record that the anonymous opinions of the half-brother of the second cousin of a paunchy liberal may not necessarily reflect the true situation within the United Malays National Organisation. On the other hand, you never know. Which is my point. Umnologists have so little to go on.)
Having established my total ignorance of how things really worked in the party, he then brought up an influential politician who has since developed the unfortunate habit of taking his keris out in mixed company and wiggling it about.
“Do you know the problem with Hishammuddin?” said my second cousin’s half-brother, his voice dripping with disdain. “He didn’t have to spend any money to get where he is! Can you believe it? Dr. M wanted him in, so everybody just had to accept it. He didn’t spend a single cent. Just parachuted in. That’s really wrong.”
I thought: Oh. Like that ah? I found it hard to make conversation for the rest of the evening.
Then and there, I gave up trying to understand Umno. To do so, I realised, would require entering into the twisted logic of their universe and trying to fathom a worldview that I confess I find utterly repugnant.
Why spend so much time peering into the darkness of Umno’s soul, when we could be reshaping Malaysia in a new, positive, joyous way? Why waste energy looking into the ideological cesspool, when we could be inventing a new paradigm?
And so I look upon the rumours now swirling about Pak Lah and Najib, and the Umno succession plan, with a studied lack of interest. It’s all sound and fury, signifying nothing. Nobody knows anything; what’s more, what there is to know is – let us be honest – abhorrent.
Let’s not waste time on Umnology. We’ve got a country to remake.
Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.
Instead, the Kremlinologists – as the Soviet-watchers were called – had to rely on analysing group photographs of the Politburo in the reviewing stands at the annual May Day military parades.
In the way that you can assess your importance as a guest at a Chinese wedding banquet by seeing how close you’re seated to the main table, Kremlinologists came to all sorts of conclusions about the Soviet government based on where the leaders were standing in relation to the General Secretary of the Communist Party.
Was Andropov closer to Brezhnev this year or farther away? Where were Shevardnadze and Gromyko? Were they on the rise or in disgrace?
The Soviets, of course, were hardly ignorant of the fact that this type of feverish analysis was going on, and they began to play games, releasing doctored photographs of the event, and in all likelihood deliberately assigning important people to stand in unimportant corners to confuse observers.
The net result was that, among Kremlinologists, the old Hollywood maxim applied: Nobody knows anything.
In Malaysia today, trying to understand the goings-on within Umno, if you are not an Umno member of some stature, is fraught with similar difficulties. From the outside, nothing is as it seems.
Would-be Umnologists have to contend with a hugely compromised flow of information: “leaks” designed only to distract; both rumour campaigns of great subtlety and ham-fisted slanders; staunch denials meant to be believed and staunch denials meant to be seen through; poison-pen letters by the hundreds and conspiracy theories by the dozens.
About five years ago I gave up trying to be an Umnologist, after a conversation with a distant relative who was at the time some kind of up-and-comer in the party.
(In the end, I don’t think he upped-and-came. He either downed-and-went or is still sort of hovering. I don’t know him very well, so I don’t inquire too closely. He’s the half-brother of my second cousin. No, I’m not making this up.)
At some family gathering in 2003 he said to me, with a total lack of irony, “You know, nobody likes Pak Lah at all, except for the Umno members and the Malaysian public.”
I stared at him in confusion. “Isn’t that… er, everybody?”
“No, no, no. You don’t understand. They’re nobody. They don’t count. In Umno, what counts are the division leaders, not the… grassroots.” He said this last word with the same delicate disgust with which ordinary Malaysians say politician. “If it were up to the division leaders, Najib would be taking over from Dr. M.”
(I should state for the record that the anonymous opinions of the half-brother of the second cousin of a paunchy liberal may not necessarily reflect the true situation within the United Malays National Organisation. On the other hand, you never know. Which is my point. Umnologists have so little to go on.)
Having established my total ignorance of how things really worked in the party, he then brought up an influential politician who has since developed the unfortunate habit of taking his keris out in mixed company and wiggling it about.
“Do you know the problem with Hishammuddin?” said my second cousin’s half-brother, his voice dripping with disdain. “He didn’t have to spend any money to get where he is! Can you believe it? Dr. M wanted him in, so everybody just had to accept it. He didn’t spend a single cent. Just parachuted in. That’s really wrong.”
I thought: Oh. Like that ah? I found it hard to make conversation for the rest of the evening.
Then and there, I gave up trying to understand Umno. To do so, I realised, would require entering into the twisted logic of their universe and trying to fathom a worldview that I confess I find utterly repugnant.
Why spend so much time peering into the darkness of Umno’s soul, when we could be reshaping Malaysia in a new, positive, joyous way? Why waste energy looking into the ideological cesspool, when we could be inventing a new paradigm?
And so I look upon the rumours now swirling about Pak Lah and Najib, and the Umno succession plan, with a studied lack of interest. It’s all sound and fury, signifying nothing. Nobody knows anything; what’s more, what there is to know is – let us be honest – abhorrent.
Let’s not waste time on Umnology. We’ve got a country to remake.
Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Malaysian Political Oscars!
WIDE ANGLE – Huzir Sulaiman
The Malaysian Political Oscars!
Our political situation is like something out of a movie – so here are the awards. The envelope, please…
The Wide Angle Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, headquartered for no particular reason in Skudai, presents this year’s Malaysian Political Oscars.
The most widely watched television event in Malaysia, the Political Oscar telecast reaches over 1 billion viewers, some of whom are dead, some of whom are 130 years old, and most of whom are registered at the same address.
How does it work? Members of the academy (all Malaysian taxi drivers who despite being allegedly the worst in the world at driving taxis are remarkably good at political analysis) vote on these awards, and the results are tabulated by the auditors of some large accounting firm who would rather do this sort of thing than real accounting work, which might explain the state of the economy.
Here are the nominees and winners.
Best Supporting Actor
It is a crowded field this year, with many stellar performances from both veterans and newcomers.
The nominees include private investigator P. Balasubramaniam in Missing; Pusrawi’s Dr. Mohd Osman in Rear Window; Zaid Ibrahim in Gone in Sixty Seconds; and Raja Petra Kamaruddin in An Inconvenient Truth.
But the Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to Penang Umno leader Ahmad Ismail for his controversial performance in Pride and Prejudice.
Despite his recent success, which led to him being cast in Under Siege and Raging Bull, Ahmad has flatly refused roles in the films Anger Management and Atonement.
Best Supporting Actress
For her critically-acclaimed performance in Minority Report, this year’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar goes to Sinchew Daily reporter Tan Hoon Cheng.
Interestingly, immediately after that film completed principal photography, Tan was the unwitting star of Catch and Release, a film that may or may not have been directed by Syed Hamid Albar, depending on which version of the studio press kit you read.
Tan spent just 18 hours on location, before quitting, citing creative differences.
Best Cinematography
For his impactful camera work in the V.K. Lingam vehicle The Conversation, the Oscar for Cinematography goes to Gwo Loh Burne.
(Although The Conversation was shot some time ago, due to his refusal to be credited for many months, Gwo Loh Burne could not be given the award earlier. When he finally came forward, this legal thriller was re-released in some markets as The Burne Identity.)
The Conversation beat out Entrapment, starring Chua Soi Lek, which also features an anonymous cinematographer.
Best Foreign-Language Film
Agricultural Study Tour, a Taiwanese sleeper hit, was shot entirely by coincidence, supposedly with no director and no funding.
Nonetheless, a sequel, Exile on My Taiwanese Farm: Peeling my Taugeh might be filmed next year with some of the original cast.
Best Original Screenplay
Jumper, written by Anwar Ibrahim, wins this year’s award. Although the film suffers from a cast of unknowns, whose number seems to fluctuate from scene to scene (though always at least 31), the script is undeniably original and exciting. It also has the potential for numerous sequels, which will prove profitable for the actors.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Written by a team of in-house screenwriters from the Attorney-General’s Studios, The Accused, starring Anwar Ibrahim, is allegedly adapted from instructions given by political superiors. A remake of the 1998 flop, but with many of the same actors and production team.
Best Actress
Seputeh Member of Parliament Teresa Kok was competing against herself this year with sterling performances in a slew of releases: Election; Woman on Top; Supergirl; and, in cinemas until last Friday, the black comedy Enemy of the State.
She wins the Best Actress Oscar, however, for her most famous role, Miss Congeniality, which has earned her praise from audiences and critics alike.
Best Actor
The big stars of yesteryear dominated the Best Actor category this year.
Nominees include S. Samy Vellu in Gone With The Wind; Dr. Mahathir Mohamed in V for Vendetta; and both Najib Tun Razak and Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in the comedy Trading Places.
The winner, however, of the Malaysian Political Oscar for Best Actor is Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for his flawless, nuanced, masterful performance in Eyes Wide Shut.
Best Picture
The nominees for Best Picture in the Malaysian Political Oscars are all gripping epics.
They include the moving story of the many members of Parti Sosialis Malaysia, The Magnificent Seven; the Khairy Jamaluddin biopic Million Dollar Baby; the Hindraf saga, Out for Justice; and the tale of Gerakan in the Barisan Nasional, The End of the Affair.
The winner for Best Picture, however, is the story of the MCA’s struggle against the Internal Security Act, Look Who’s Talking Now.
Lifetime Achievement Award
For his astonishing film career spanning many decades, and including both commercial hits and small but critically-acclaimed art-house movies, Anwar Ibrahim wins the Lifetime Achievement Award.
His roles, in chronological order, include: Wild at Heart; The Young Guns; The Great Debaters; Sleeping With The Enemy; The Insider; The Sweet Smell of Success; Reversal of Fortune; Cast Away; The Accused; The Cell; Cry Freedom!; Into the Wild; Back to the Future; Mission: Impossible; The Perfect Storm; and, most recently, Eastern Promises.
Depending on the outcome of contract negotiations, Anwar’s next movies may include The King and I; Top Gun; and Great Expectations.
Alternatively, he may take roles in Crash; The Departed; and The Forgotten. That’s the thing about show business – you never know what the big stars will do next!
That’s all for this year’s edition of the Malaysian Political Oscars. See you on the red carpet next year!
Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.
The Malaysian Political Oscars!
Our political situation is like something out of a movie – so here are the awards. The envelope, please…
The Wide Angle Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, headquartered for no particular reason in Skudai, presents this year’s Malaysian Political Oscars.
The most widely watched television event in Malaysia, the Political Oscar telecast reaches over 1 billion viewers, some of whom are dead, some of whom are 130 years old, and most of whom are registered at the same address.
How does it work? Members of the academy (all Malaysian taxi drivers who despite being allegedly the worst in the world at driving taxis are remarkably good at political analysis) vote on these awards, and the results are tabulated by the auditors of some large accounting firm who would rather do this sort of thing than real accounting work, which might explain the state of the economy.
Here are the nominees and winners.
Best Supporting Actor
It is a crowded field this year, with many stellar performances from both veterans and newcomers.
The nominees include private investigator P. Balasubramaniam in Missing; Pusrawi’s Dr. Mohd Osman in Rear Window; Zaid Ibrahim in Gone in Sixty Seconds; and Raja Petra Kamaruddin in An Inconvenient Truth.
But the Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to Penang Umno leader Ahmad Ismail for his controversial performance in Pride and Prejudice.
Despite his recent success, which led to him being cast in Under Siege and Raging Bull, Ahmad has flatly refused roles in the films Anger Management and Atonement.
Best Supporting Actress
For her critically-acclaimed performance in Minority Report, this year’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar goes to Sinchew Daily reporter Tan Hoon Cheng.
Interestingly, immediately after that film completed principal photography, Tan was the unwitting star of Catch and Release, a film that may or may not have been directed by Syed Hamid Albar, depending on which version of the studio press kit you read.
Tan spent just 18 hours on location, before quitting, citing creative differences.
Best Cinematography
For his impactful camera work in the V.K. Lingam vehicle The Conversation, the Oscar for Cinematography goes to Gwo Loh Burne.
(Although The Conversation was shot some time ago, due to his refusal to be credited for many months, Gwo Loh Burne could not be given the award earlier. When he finally came forward, this legal thriller was re-released in some markets as The Burne Identity.)
The Conversation beat out Entrapment, starring Chua Soi Lek, which also features an anonymous cinematographer.
Best Foreign-Language Film
Agricultural Study Tour, a Taiwanese sleeper hit, was shot entirely by coincidence, supposedly with no director and no funding.
Nonetheless, a sequel, Exile on My Taiwanese Farm: Peeling my Taugeh might be filmed next year with some of the original cast.
Best Original Screenplay
Jumper, written by Anwar Ibrahim, wins this year’s award. Although the film suffers from a cast of unknowns, whose number seems to fluctuate from scene to scene (though always at least 31), the script is undeniably original and exciting. It also has the potential for numerous sequels, which will prove profitable for the actors.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Written by a team of in-house screenwriters from the Attorney-General’s Studios, The Accused, starring Anwar Ibrahim, is allegedly adapted from instructions given by political superiors. A remake of the 1998 flop, but with many of the same actors and production team.
Best Actress
Seputeh Member of Parliament Teresa Kok was competing against herself this year with sterling performances in a slew of releases: Election; Woman on Top; Supergirl; and, in cinemas until last Friday, the black comedy Enemy of the State.
She wins the Best Actress Oscar, however, for her most famous role, Miss Congeniality, which has earned her praise from audiences and critics alike.
Best Actor
The big stars of yesteryear dominated the Best Actor category this year.
Nominees include S. Samy Vellu in Gone With The Wind; Dr. Mahathir Mohamed in V for Vendetta; and both Najib Tun Razak and Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in the comedy Trading Places.
The winner, however, of the Malaysian Political Oscar for Best Actor is Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for his flawless, nuanced, masterful performance in Eyes Wide Shut.
Best Picture
The nominees for Best Picture in the Malaysian Political Oscars are all gripping epics.
They include the moving story of the many members of Parti Sosialis Malaysia, The Magnificent Seven; the Khairy Jamaluddin biopic Million Dollar Baby; the Hindraf saga, Out for Justice; and the tale of Gerakan in the Barisan Nasional, The End of the Affair.
The winner for Best Picture, however, is the story of the MCA’s struggle against the Internal Security Act, Look Who’s Talking Now.
Lifetime Achievement Award
For his astonishing film career spanning many decades, and including both commercial hits and small but critically-acclaimed art-house movies, Anwar Ibrahim wins the Lifetime Achievement Award.
His roles, in chronological order, include: Wild at Heart; The Young Guns; The Great Debaters; Sleeping With The Enemy; The Insider; The Sweet Smell of Success; Reversal of Fortune; Cast Away; The Accused; The Cell; Cry Freedom!; Into the Wild; Back to the Future; Mission: Impossible; The Perfect Storm; and, most recently, Eastern Promises.
Depending on the outcome of contract negotiations, Anwar’s next movies may include The King and I; Top Gun; and Great Expectations.
Alternatively, he may take roles in Crash; The Departed; and The Forgotten. That’s the thing about show business – you never know what the big stars will do next!
That’s all for this year’s edition of the Malaysian Political Oscars. See you on the red carpet next year!
Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.
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