Advice From One Retiree to Another

Recently left high office and don’t know what to do? Our columnist relays some wise counsel from an anonymous source.

[First published in The Sunday Star on 1 July 2007 under the title "A bit of advice, Mr. Blair..."]


Dear Mr Blair,

On behalf of the people of Malaysia – or at least all the people of Malaysia who live in my villa – I would like to offer my warmest and most sincere best wishes on the occasion of your stepping down as the dynamic Prime Minister of your multi-cultural developing nation, and my heartiest and most convincing congratulations on your having peacefully handed over the reins of power to your handpicked successor, that quiet, serious fellow whose name escapes me.

Yours was an astonishing tenure which saw Britain transformed from a sleepy provincial backwater where hungry, uneducated rural folk galloped for hours across the barren countryside, hunting foxes for their evening meal, into a thriving 21st century economy open to the world, or at least those portions of the world who own Bentleys and whose names end with “-ovsky” or “-ovich”.

The reforms you introduced were laudable.

All lovers of democracy who live in my villa applauded when you took steps in 1999 to curtail the powers of the House of Lords; no longer should that motley collection of so-called noblemen – those jumped-up village chieftains – abuse their privileges, questioning the decisions that you made, obstructing your legislation!

You were democratically elected, so people shouldn’t be allowed to question your decisions: that would be interfering with democracy. All intelligent people understand this.

But you triumphed over these detractors. If I may say so, you truly deserve the title “Father of Modern Britain”, and the fact that no one has actually used it should not prevent your staff from quietly letting people know that this is how you would like to be known.

Now that you are no longer the premier of your harmonious, IT-savvy country, you may be wondering how best to occupy your time. Permit an old-timer to offer you some advice.

To begin with, it was frankly rather silly of you to accept this Middle East envoy job. Don’t you realise that it will require you to work, and to produce results?

With great power comes great responsibility, or so say that type of people who would be better off, in my humble opinion, in preventive detention. But as I see it, that means that with no power, comes no responsibility. So rather than doing anything constructive, it would be far better to sit on the sidelines and issue caustic statements from time to time, preferably after attending an unrelated wedding or a conference where you can condemn something else, so that you can get in two condemnations in one afternoon.

If you get really bored, you could set up a sort of personal Commission or a Tribunal to indict someone, just for the fun of it. You can have plenary sessions and hearings, and then go for a nice lunch.

(I myself don’t eat very much, but the intellectuals like it. They can have their nice lunch and then go back to their kennels.)

But really, Mr Blair, what you should be concentrating on is the man who has succeeded you, whatever his name is, Mr Grey or Mr Beige or whatever.

He may look kind and perhaps even a little boring – he certainly has not the charisma and the oratorical splendour that moves your female ministers to tears when you announce your departure – but you would do well to keep an eye on him, because he has a mind of his own, and in a cohesive, interwoven society such as yours, with its elaborate links of patronage and favouritism, that can be a dangerous thing.

What if, for example, he starts to back-pedal on your country’s commitment to the most mega of your projects – the Iraq war? What if he begins to withdraw British troops, reversing your policies, and undermining your vision?

You’d better start rehearsing your response. Key phrases should include “selling our sovereignty”, “a country without guts”, “traitor”, and “son-in-law”.

Of course, this Mr Beige – or Mr Mocha or whatever his wretched name is – might not even have a son-in-law, but that shouldn’t stop you. In my country we believe that if you say something with enough venom, it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true.

If direct attacks fail because your quiet, serious little successor maintains a dignified silence, you can always try anonymous poison-pen letters. Or so they tell me – I don’t really know. But you must take care to camouflage them so that no one can guess who you are. Remember to choose a snappy but impenetrable pseudonym to sign off with.

Good luck, Mr Blair, and enjoy your retirement!

Kind regards,

A Recent Retiree


Copyright © Huzir Sulaiman 2008. All rights reserved.